Sunday, June 15th, 2008
The First Annual North Nowhere Dot Com "Theft-a-Thon" Stealing Competition Extravaganza 2008

A great man once said theft is the greatest form of human expression. I’m not sure who, I mean, I’m sure it was somebody important. Maybe Martin Luther King Jr. or something, he said some pretty important shit. Point is theft is at once a multitude of things. It is a statement of self, a lashing out at our sorry consumerist culture, and a good way to pick up some shit you really didn’t feel like paying for. And thus on the date of Sunday, May 19th, 2008 – North Nowhere DOT COM held the first ever…

The names of our contenders have been changed for obvious reasons, and though their incredible feats of theft may go unrecognized by their peers, their stories will not go unsung. These three brave athletes traversed a perilous terrain of wary employee eyes, security cameras and the own nervous beating of their own hearts – all in an effort to claim the title of first ever Theft-a-Thon champion, and take the gold medal back to their respective homeland. The rules are simple. Through a series of exotic locales, our contestants were to prove their skill in the art of thievery. Contestants would be judged on one factor only, the monetary value of the theft to be tallied in total after the final stage. The winner would receive the glory of being the first ever theft-a-thon champion, as well as a whole bunch of cool stolen shit.

The Flea Market
A local area flea market would set the stage for the first event. Here the thieves would be challenged to perform in an open-air type market, the same conditions that once faced the greatest thieves of known history. However, all of the contestants faced major stumbling blocks that thwarted them at every turn. At a video game sellers stall, T.J. attempted to pocket a Resident Evil 2 cartridge that Red had intended to purchase. Unfortunately, unwise to his intentions – she failed to provide the cover needed to make the steal. Rough Boy seemed almost unaware of the competition, making no effort to steal even a single item – perhaps waiting for the other contestants to tire themselves out or disqualify themselves by being caught. Instead, he spent most of the trip taking pictures of various people. Brownie points were awarded after the contestant claimed to be stealing their souls. However at the end of this first stage, only Red was able to pick up any real points – swiping a tiny Zippo lighter from a table of miscellaneous junk.

Results:
Red Dawn
Novelty Lighter (Estimated Value $2.00)

Rough Boy
Several Human Souls (Estimated Value $.50)

Thievin’ Joe
No items obtained

Restaurant
At a local restaurant our contestants were encouraged to fill their stomachs for the trials ahead. However, this was also an opportunity to fill their pockets – one they did not fail to act upon. Thievin’ Joe made his first steal of the day – a spoon. Not wanting to be outdone, Red grabbed a salt shaker from off the table. However Rough Boy simply ate his eggs Benedict, An old man at a table across from the contestants seemed to be watching, but said nothing as they quickly exited. Some would argue the chance for the classic “Dine and Dash” maneuver was missed here.  However the contestants all agreed that being allowed further patronage at the restaurant outweighed any necessity for paying the bill.

Results:
Red Dawn
Salt Shaker (Estimated Value $1.00)

Rough Boy
No items obtained

Thievin’ Joe
Spoon (Estimated Value $.50)

Department Store
Here came the chance for our contestants to really start racking up the points, at a normal suburban department store.  The challenge here lies in the various employees and possible undercover loss prevention personnel stalking the aisles, in addition to such standbys as security cameras and a anti-theft device at the exit. The pros? A variety of items both big and small, as well a chance for our contestants to really show off their theft in a more traditional outlet. However, as our contestants arrived in the parking lot – one refused to participate in this third challenge. Rough Boy’s nerves were really starting to get to him as typical paranoia set in. Sadly, he opted to remain in the car – giving his opponents a chance to truly surpass him. Joe had gone into this challenge with his goal already in mind – to steal a video game that had been removed from the theft-proof glass cases and carelessly left on a bargain rack. However, once he had the game in hand he found little opportunity to slip it into the jacket pocket he had sewed for this occasion. Pacing frantically back and forth – trying to figure out where surveillance was likely minimal – he eventually gave up on trying to steal the entire item and ripped the disc from the case, pocketing it and quickly escaping. T.J. was content as he rejoined R.B. in the car, satisfied that this would place him back on the leader-boards. Only for the two of them to watch in awe as Red escaped from the front of the store carrying a woman’s electric shaver – unconcealed! This daring redhead had thwarted odds and instead waited for the proper moment to make her move – coolly walking out the front like she owned the thing. This came in addition to a eyeliner pen that put her leaps and bounds ahead of the others. Incredible work!

Results:
Red Dawn
Woman’s Electric Shaver (Estimated Value $20.00)
Eyeliner Pen (Estimated Value $8.00)

Rough Boy
No items obtained

Thievin’ Joe
Video Game (Estimated Value $21.00)

Craft Store
Not a traditional outlet for thieving, this store came as a bit of a curveball for our valiant three. Unlike the more traditional department store, this chain outlet featured assumedly lessened security. In addition the cashiers and floor people were mostly middle-aged women who keep scrapbooks or collect porcelain dolls – not much of a threat to the wary shoplifter. Once inside, the three took different approaches. TJ tried to find something worth stealing, but unfortunately the only thing he could find was a $7.00 airplane model kit, which unfortunately would not fit into his jacket and was ultimately abandoned. Meanwhile, Red refused to apply any sort of value to the objects, instead stealing everything and anything she could. While finally, Rough spent most of his time browsing picture frames before leaving to sit in the car. However! He did make his first steal of the day before exiting, a pair of wooden letters worth a dollar apiece. Red grabbed her own letter, as well as a variety of small items that would prove to add up. Thread, a packet of watermelon seeds, a packet of squash seeds, a creepy Muslim dress-up doll, a tiny hat for the Muslim doll and a sizable packet of googly eyes. TJ was the only one to fail on this excursion, rejoining his other contestants in the car and resolving to put it in high gear for the final challenge.

Results:
Red Dawn
Thread (Estimated value $1.00)
Googly Eyes (Estimated value $1.00)
Muslim Doll (Estimated value $2.00)
Tiny Hat (Estimated value $.50)
Wooden Letter ‘R’ (Estimated value $1.00)
Watermelon seeds (Estimated value $.75)
Squash seeds (Estimated value $.75)

Rough Boy
Wooden Letter ‘E’ (Estimated value $1.00)
Wooden Letter ‘D’ (Estimated value $1.00)

Thievin’ Joe
No items obtained

Big Box Department Store
This store, a national chain likely despised above all others, would serve as the final challenge. Our contenders were tired from the previous stages of this competition, but refused to give up until the very end. This is likely the ultimate site for any shopper. Security is lax in a minimum-wage operation such as this, while the rewards are high and plentiful for those who know where to find them. Immediately inside, T.J. grabbed three packages of Magic: the Gathering cards, staying with the group until the toy aisle where he quickly shoved them in a pocket. In the DVD section, all three contestants realized the value of the special edition Red Dawn DVD that had been discussed earlier, but all sadly lost their nerve and left the thing for another day. Red found a wedding cake topper, quickly ripping it from its extraneous packaging and pocketing the item, while Rough grabbed a bottle of “Elegant Expressions Sun-Dried Linen.” No one knew was it was for, but it helped round out his final tally quite nicely.

Results:
Red Dawn
Wedding Cake Topper (Estimated value $5.00)

Rough Boy
Linen Scented... Something (Estimated value $2.50)

Thievin’ Joe
3 packs of Magic cards (Estimated value $12.00)

THEFT-A-THON BONUS STAGE: Rough Boy Edition
So R.B. realized he fucked up his first ever Theft-A-Thon appearance rather handily, and so the next day took it upon himself to commit some extra thievery. Rough would arrive at my house with a $7.00 sausage stolen from a local grocer and a wanted poster of dead-beat dads stolen off a wall somewhere. Though these thefts technically took place after the initial competition within a seperate arena, bonus points were awarded for his efforts.

Rough Boy
Sausage (Estimated Value $7.00)
Wanted Poster - (Estimated Value - $5.00? I mean, I'd pay $5 for a child support wanted poster)

FINAL TALLY

3rd) Rough Boy: Final Tally $17.00 US Dollars

2nd)Thievin' Joe: Final Tally $33.50 US Dollars

and of course...

1st) Red Dawn: Final Tally $42.00 US Dollars

Let's here it for these incredible contenders!
(except for R.B. who didn't even really try the fucking pussy)
We'll see you next year sports fans!