Monday, November 12th, 2007
Cold Sad World: The Volleyball Hall of Lame

So I've been taking this incredibly fucking horrible class called "Women in American History" which compounds the general blaming of rich white guys for most everything wrong in the world with a lot of crazy hippie spiritualistic bullshit I can neither understand nor stomach. The instructor wanted us all to pick new names for ourselves, so we could truly express ourselves and break the boundaries of societal norms. I chose "Batman" and spent the rest of the class muttering about how 1920s era "flappers" were a superstitious and cowardly lot.

So, when the instructor told us we were going to have to visit a location of substantial importance to women and write a report about it, I was distraught. I was in no mood to pay fifteen fucking bucks for a tour of Emily Dickinson's dumb house, nor did I desire to explore "Old Deerfield" and find out how people with natural lifespans averaging about thirty-five used to make candles. So when the teacher greenlit my suggestion that the Volleyball Hall of Fame was somehow of importance to women, I could hardly resist the urge to pump my fist. I could write my report, take enough photos to fill an article, and best of all visit beautiful downtown Holyoke. All that was left was tricking Eugene into coming along for the ride.

Welcome to the most boring place on Earth

The Volleyball Hall of Fame is located down the ass end of Holyoke where there's little other than boarded up storefronts and scary looking guys standing on street corners presumably cutting each other or holding dogfights or doing whatever else is hip with the urban youth these days. Surrounded by this decay is a nice looking brick building containing the hellhole that is the Volleyball Hall of Fame. The last time I came here I was like eight, and I think it must've been part of a dual-pass with the Children's Museum because hell if anyone would visit this place otherwise. Unless they were writing some dumb internet article I guess.

How much does it suck to invent like, the worst sport ever?

The Volleyball Hall of Fame isn't really a hall persay, more a relatively large room with some glass cases containing boring photos and little else. I guess there's not much more you could expect. It's just sad to think that the Basketball Hall of Fame just a few towns over is a fucking huge multi-million dollar dome filled with interactive exhibits, a small court to play on and its own McDonalds. Here we've got plaques for the eight people who cared enough to play the sport competitively.

The whole place smells like failure

I don't know what this is a picture of. I mean, some cowgirl is pinning a medal on a really manly looking chick. You think they'd include a caption or something. Something that makes me smile is the idea that some college pranksters just snuck this photo in a display case knowing no one would ever figure out that it didn't belong there. I should start doing things like that.

No Eugene, we can't go home yet. I've got a report to write.

The thing that really sells this picture is how everyone is smiling except for Number One. It's almost as if the moment the photographer snapped the picture he realized he'd entered into a profession no one would ever care about, and that he would eventually die cold and alone.

The more you know, huh? Tom Selleck was honorary captain of the 1984 U.S. Men's Olympic Team? How did he ever find time between filming episodes of Magnum P. I.? You know, if someone wanted to there's a great sports movie waiting to be written here. The big game against the USSR and the captain is down with a bad case of Volleyball knee and they have to call in honorary captain Tom Selleck. Sure, it never really happened, but does anyone really know enough about Volleyball to start calling you on the facts? It's just beautiful enough to make you want to believe it.

Ok this is the coolest fucking thing in the Volleyball Hall of Fame, the "Interactive Database." Look at this thing! Everything about it looks like it was ripped off the set of "2001: A Space Odyssey" and plopped in here with some shitty Volleyball funware installed on it. Even the font is perfectly retro-futuristic. This is what computers were supposed to look like. I want this for my house.

Next up, me and Eugene learned the exciting array of Volleyball positions.

Position 1: The "Gimmie Your Childrens"

Here we see me imitating a classic maneuver. The legs are bent in anticipation, arms out to grab your kids and take them back to my van to fulfill whatever unorthodox desires I might have. Imagine a bag of candy in the outstretched left hand and the illusion is complete.

Position 2: The "Jackass"

The Jackass is the perfect move for spotting someone across a crowded shopping mall and yelling their name until they can no longer pretend they haven't spotted you. Remember that weird guy in your History class you smiled at and all of a sudden he thinks you guys are best friends and sometimes refers to you as his "girlfriend" in casual conversation? The Jackass is that guy.

Position 3: The "Zombie"

Clawing desperately at the net, the Zombie attempts to make his way across in order to obtain the delicious human brains of his competitors. The Zombie is a role assigned to an undead player, though keep in mind it is a foul to murder a living player of the opposing team and reanimate it for your own means.

Position 4: The "Hold a guy against the wall by his neck then rip out his heart and eat it"

Pretty self explanatory, this position sees more use in the traditional Native American Volleyball variant, where eating a competitor's heart to gain their courage counts for an additional point.

Position 5: The "Buttrape"

This guy has got the form down, now let's see it in action.

Excellent follow-through.
Keep in mind this is actually slightly less gay than actually playing volleyball.

Position 6: The "What The Fuck Are We Doing Here?"
Seriously, what the fuck am I doing? This is horrible. I hate it here.

NOW LET'S MAKE FUN OF
PEOPLE WHO LOOK FUNNY!

"I RIKA PRAYA VOLLREYBARU!"

The down point in Ed's career was when he strangled half the opposing Japanese team with his bare-hands after forgetting the war had ended 40 years prior.

God I want to excel at something stupid so I can have a plaque of me grinning like a fucking idiot hanging up on a wall for all time. This smile is timeless.

Jesus fucking hell, did she go to the barber and say "I need a good haircut for my plaque in the volleyball hall of fame" and he couldn't stop laughing long enough to cut it properly? She looks like she has that stiff head of plastic hair you snap onto lego people.

Why halo thar. I play professunal vollaybal. Wuld u lik to suk on my penis?

Yeah! Dusty fucking Dvoriak. That's the look of a champ right there. Sure, he drinks heavily and hits his wife, but fuck was he good at hitting a ball over a net.

I'm naming my kid Craig Buck. There's no cooler name than Craig Buck as far as I'm concerned, except maybe for "Colonel Rocketlauncher Nightblade." One of the two.

GIFT SHOP GIFT SHOP GIFT SHOP!!!11

Want a $35 sweatshirt with a shitty 80s era logo on it? Didn't think so

So fuck it, I got enough photos to write a shitty report about women's contribution to volleyball and we didn't have to pay the $3.50 entry fee because the lady working the desk inexplicably believed we had entered with the birthday party consisting of about twelve african-american families. We weren't about to correct her. And so, content with the knowledge that these Volleyball champs would never be forgotten, we left with the duty ridicule them and their hall of resting on the internet.

I hope we succeeded.

-Gesualdi