Tuesday, February 6th, 2008
Heath Ledger is Dead Week & a Half: Every Heath Ledger Movie Reviewed

So Heath Ledger died and it seemed like a good way to revitalize the site a bit. Make all my new writers pump out something of worth (most of them failed, but whatever). So then it came time for me to write something and I realized hell! I've never actually seen a Heath Ledger movie. Not a one. Sure, I've seen part of a Knight's Tale, and read the plot synopsis to Brokeback Gay Cowboy movie, but never actually seen any of them. So with nothing to write, I set out to Ledger's IMDB database and wrote a plot synopsis/review of each of his roles, based on nothing other than the title and name of his character. It was the dumbest fucking idea I've ever had an took way too goddamn long. So here it is, my shitty late Heath Ledger article. Fuck me, I hope someone cares.

Clowning Around (1992)
Heath Ledger plays a young boy growing up in the circus under the guidance of his beloved clown grandfather – his parents having died in a horrible human cannonball stunt gone wrong many years prior. With his grandfather dying in a clown hospital, it’s up to Heath to save the circus from foreclosure, and he’s going to have to fill some pretty big shoes. Literally!

Ship to Shore (1993) (TV Series); Appearing as “Cyclist”
A science-fiction thriller set primarily on the mysterious docks of a small coastal fishing community. As the teenage cast discovers the secrets surrounding their town, they can’t help but notice the presence of the mysterious young boy on his bicycle, who always seems to be at the right place at the right time. Heath spoke no words in his role as the mysterious cyclist, other than in the final episode, where coughing up blood he tells the council of shadows “You’re all already dead…”

Sweat (1996) (TV Series); Appearing as “Snowy Bowles.”
In this award-winning episode of the popular basketball drama, Heath Ledger guest stars as the roguish point-guard “Snowy Bowles.” He’s got skills both on the court, and as the ladies will tell you, off the court as well. Though something seems to trouble this young man, as in one scene he lashes out angrily against team captain Tommy “Smiles” Kitchwitz. Could this young man called “Snowy” be battling an addiction to crack cocaine? Can the team help him get clean before the big game against cross-town rivals Titan Tech?

Blackrock (1997); Appearing as Toby Ackland
The mysterious Blackrock has existed since the dawn of man, its power bringing both glory and ruin to civilization after civilization. Though when a group of four teenagers on spring break crash-land in the ruins of an Aztec civilization, they will find themselves in the middle of an ancient battle between two tribes of warring sorcerers; each vying for control of the rock, and control of time itself. The movie features a variety of talents, though memorable is Ledger’s role as the shy and reserved Toby Ackland, who eventually reveals himself as the evil timelord Zarx. “Curse you! I could’ve been god!” He screams, as his body is sucked into the abyss. The final scene we see Toby cackling from beyond the netherzone, clutching the rock in his hands and promising his return. Eleven years later and unfortunately it still hasn’t come true.

Paws (1997); Voice of Oberon
This lovable piece of children’s entertainment is a heartwarming story of an abandoned litter of five puppies who set off across the United States trying to find their mother. Ledger voices Oberon, the psychic Doberman. A hilarious laugh riot and fun for the family, be sure to bring the kids to this one.

Home and Away (1998)(TV Series); Appearing as Scott Irwin
Ledger shines in this baseball drama about a hometown team mistakenly playing in the major leagues after a contract mix-up. As the shortstop who never says die, Irwin always has a kind word for his teammates and a smile on his face. At least until the 10th episode where a stray ball breaks his neck and paralyzes him for life. A sad end to a great character.

10 Things I Hate About You (1999); Starring as Patrick Verona
Syndicated newspaper columnist Patrick Verona can’t catch a break. With deadlines looming he write a furious column he entitles "Ten Things I Hate About This City" hoping it will get him fired. Instead, he becomes a writing sensation overnight! However now he's got a new problem. Verona's got to stay angry to stay popular, though he's finding it hard now that the girl of his dreams is finally noticing him. Ledger works well in this film, though the scenes of him on week-long drug binges seem uncharacteristic of this hometown pretty boy. Luckily we know the real Ledger won't end up facedown in a pool of vomit after taking a bottle of sleeping pills for his "Sleeping problems." (Review from 1999)

Roar (1997-2000); Appearing as Conor
In this world there are those with the special ability to summon the aid of animal familiars to merge with. These gifted individuals are known as “The Callers” and their incredible powers could be the force that either saves the world… or leads it to ruin. Ledger guest stars as Conor, the boy who morphs into a leopard warrior prince named Arganthua, King of the Seven Jungles. Featuring some incredible CG sequences, ledger looks good in cat ears.

Two Hands (1999); Starring as Jimmy
Jimmy may be retarded, but this movie isn’t. His two hands will touch your heart. And you thought Ledger didn’t do retarded.

The Patriot (2000); Co-Starring as Gabriel Martin
In this hilarious buddy comedy, two neighbors, one a war-veteran redneck republican who loves his country and the other (Ledger) a staunch liberal lawyer democrat, who set off across the country in an R.V. to try and stop their kids from marrying. It doesn't get any funnier than watching Ledger as straight man Gabriel Martin, forced to parade around in women's underwear to escape a Tijuana prison. The anti-semetic jokes throughout might be a bit much, but still don’t miss this laugh riot.

A Knight’s Tale (2001); Starring as Sir William Thatcher
When singer/songwriter William Thatcher is knighted by the modern day Queen of England, he thinks it just a simple honor. Imagine his surprise when he finds that title is more than ceremonial, being inducted into service among Britain’s elite spy group; the Knights. This comedic spy thriller is a hilarious send up of Elton John meets James Bond, and Ledger nails the British accent perfectly. The ending however, featuring Ledger bathed in animal blood strangling animals, is a bit off until you consider the film's P.E.T.A. sponsorship.

Monster's Ball (2001); Appearing as Sonny Grotowski
This fun-filled family movie is about a small party-planning company hired to plan a Halloween Party. However they soon find that these monsters might not just be costumed guests! This lighthearted flick stays clear of the truly scary elements, making it perfect for most young viewers. But it sure doesn’t skimp on the comedy! Who can forget Ledger’s character Sonny, being forced to sing an awkward duet with a vampire? Five stars!

The Four Feathers (2002); Appearing as Harry Faversham
In the 80s, four young boys made a pact to honor the wish of their dying native-American friend, and protect his land and his people, each keeping a ceremonial feather as a reminder of their oath. When big city developers plan to move in and develop on the sacred land, it’s up to them to put a stop to it. Some would say the movie's message is tainted by the full-on action sequence at the end, (especially memorable is Ledger ripping a construction worker's entrails off and forcefeeding them to the screaming father of four), though who could resist a chance to see Ledger shirtless. And carrying an anti-tank missile nonetheless.

Ned Kelly (2003); Starring as Ned Kelly
Two and a half hours of Heath Ledger screaming at a brick wall. Strangely compelling. Five stars.

The Brothers Grimm (2005); Starring as Jacob Grimm
The tale behind the children’s stories we’ve all loved, the Grimm brothers dance and sing their way through a world of magic and wonder. Fun for art majors, but leave the kids at home as some of the stories are a bit more PG-13 than expected. A sequence with Ledger as Pinochio sees him fucking a black woman from across the room with the help of a wooden dick which extends as he lies. Was this in the original story? Or the multiple references to white people as the superior race?

Lords of Dogtown (2005); Appearing as Skip
In the illegal underground world of street fighting, there can be only one standing at the top. And in the back alleys of the city known affectionately as “Dogtown,” the battle wages on. Ledger makes an appearance as Skip, the beautiful fighter who wears a mask to avoid scarring his perfect face. There couldn’t have been a better casting decision. Casting all the opposing fighters from Ugandian refugee children? Maybe not so.

Brokeback Mountain (2005); Starring as Ennis Del Mar
Mountain climbing. To many it’s a sport, a hobby, but to some, it’s their whole life. Ennis Del Mar (Ledger) is one of those men. Having lost his father in a tragic climbing accident as a boy, Del Mar has made it his life’s goal to conquer the mountain that took his father’s life. Will he make it up the majestic Brokeback Mountain, or will he die trying? Memorable is Ledger beating the shit out of a mountain goat. A gratuitous twelve minute scene? Maybe. But a stunning piece of visual cinema.

Casanova (2005); Starring as Casanova
Ledger spends most of the course of this hour and a half movie drinking, smoking and beating up women. The throwaway scenes of him in women’s lingerie are confusing, but well shot.

Candy (2006) ; Appearing as Dan
This summer musical about a hooker with a heart of gold is perhaps best remembered for Heath Ledger’s portrayal of Dan the pimp, dancing and singing his way through a musical explanation of how exactly the “Ho-ing’” business works. Crass, though enjoyable.

The Dark Knight (2008); Appearing as The Joker
The Dark Knight, a legendary warrior from a far-off land, has come to lay waste to Britannia and it’s people. The only hope now is a ragtag group of adventurers, Jack Heart, Queen Spadinia, King Diadrix, Ace Spade, and of course, Heath Ledger as the Joker. A Lord of the Rings meets the Power Rangers mishmash, it’s an action movie that’s fun for all ages, at least until the last half where the cast apparently drunk, ambles about the set knocking things over, as Ledger triumphantly declares "WHERES THE BITCHES AT?" Surprising they left this in the final cut.

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (2009); Starring Heath Ledger’s Bloated Corpse
This children’s movie is a bit morbid, as rigging Ledger’s body up to animatronics seems like the wrong way to start this Willy Wonka-esque adventure off. Still, the thing grossed a few billion domestic, so who am I to argue?

- Gesualdi