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Chris Gesualdi

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Tuesday, July 27, 2004

A Hairy Situation
Chris Gesualdi - 07-27-04

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of its moderator and contributors. Here, incendiary remarks freely intertwine with liberal obscenity to weave tapestries of offensive material the Gameforms Project can not be held responsible for. Yes indeed. Consider yourself duly warned.

I finally got Super Smash Bros. Melee. My initial thoughts are “Goddamn this game is wicked hard and the controls suck” but I think I’m starting to like it. I like collecting trophies as much as the next guy, and the graphics are pretty enough.

Also, you guys should check out this Alien Hominid game. It’s an arcade style side scroller that is strongly reminiscent of Metal Slug. It started off as a (wicked hard) flash game on Newgrounds.com but apparently they’ve been working on a console version. It looks really great, hopefully it sees release.

Oh, and does anyone know where I can get a cheap used ipod? Or maybe recommend another MP3 player worth my money? All my cool friends have MP3 players and I feel like such a loser.

Sob.

Today’s topic is video game hairstyles!

Afro-Tastic

Oh goody! A chance for me to go on record as saying that I despise the
Giant Afro thing that is so many game designers seem to think is so damned funny.

Worst Offender in this category goes to SSX Tricky's Eddie. He was their marquee character for this game, appearing on the box and all the ads and stuff, and he just looked like a total ass. A scrawny little white guy with a huge orange afro and a quaaludes-inspired fashion sense. Great idea, guys. Oh, and let us not forget that they spent a bunch of money to have him voiced by David Arquette, who has the phenomenal talent of making you want to gouge his eyes out with a screwdriver.

The SSX games all kick butt, but the Eddie thing was a major mistake.

Also, Selphie's hair in FF8 made her look like a dork. Which she was, sort of, but still... blech.

As far as good hair goes, I have to say I dig the silver/white hair look on a lot of characters. Dante from Devil May Cry is one, of course, but Hugo and his mom from Suikoden III both looked good with the white hair. And Inu-Yasha... though he is only a game character in a very secondary fashion.

Finally, I think you should get a $200.00 tax credit from the federal government every time someone mentions Solid Snake's mullet in this column. There, see? I mentioned it too. Contact the IRS.

Grayson Towler

The characters of SSX were never much to behold. But Eddie was just… wow. I guess EA thought it would make their snowboarding game a little more funky-fresh, but it really didn’t.

However, the best afro award goes to Afro Thunder from Ready to Rumble. It’s just… perfect. I love it.

Selphie’s hair looks like it’s possessed by some sort of evil hair demon. No hair naturally curls upwards like that, there’s some evil force at work here. Look at this Kingdom Hearts character art. Look at those eyes! She’s possessed! Kill it!

White silvery hair will always be cool. Sephiroth will always be king, but Dante is no slouch. Hugo’s is ok… but Inuyasha needs to cut that mop sometime. It’s out of control.

Squaresoft

Thanks for posting my letter, that made me very happy. Those guys at RPGamer won't respond to me, and that makes me cry.

On the topic of Good and Bad hair (one in which I am very well versed) I think that it is very plain to see that the award for both can be given to one character. I speak of none other than the lovely Brave Fencer Musashi.

http://www.playonline.com/archives/psgame/musashi/gif/musashi1.gif

Seriously though, that shit is out of hand. No samurai EVER needs hair like that. But despite all it's idiocy, damn that shit looks fine. I wish I had a mop of hair that awesome and awful.

I've got hair like Squall...shit

-Pete

Oh, and Chris, every self respecting message board needs at least one thread titled "Why Yo! Noid is better than [insert any game ever]"

Those guys at RPGamer are losers. That’s right, I said it. I’m calling you out RPGamer. How you gonna act?!

It’s fun to pick fights over the internet because there are no real consequences.

Anyway, if you look at Musashi’s hair it just seems impossible. How in god’s name would it retain that shape? And that big lock of hair in the front folds over perfectly like a piece of construction paper. What is Squaresoft’s obsession with creating impossible hair styles for their characters? I mean, look at Seymour from FFX. What the hell!? He just looks silly.

Yo! Noid is a better game than FFX anyhow.

So yes, two letters today. I suck at making topics… let's go with an easy one for tomorrow.

Tomorrow’s topic is games as art. If you were to make an argument about games being a valid art form, what game(s) would you use as your proof? How would you demonstrate the true validity of the genre…? Did I use the word “validity” right? Anyway, games as art. Make your points heard at chris@gameforms.com. Do it.

This was Chris Gesualdi, demonstrating the true validity of the genre